The Toilet Float (Ballcock)

Lyrics

[Intro]
Right then! Stand aside!
Cousin Hornswoggle is on the job.
Got my tools. Got my expertise.
Let's have a look at the patient.

[Verse 1]
Ah, the parsonage cistern. A classic piece of porcelain.
A hairline crack near the top, from 1958 I'd wager.
It's been hissing for a week, has it? A constant trickle?
Wasting water. An offense against thrift and good engineering.
I knelt down on the cold tile, peered inside the tank.
The water level, all wrong. The float arm, sagging.
The diagnosis was immediate. Obvious to a man of my experience.

[Chorus]
It's the ballcock!
Plain and simple. The valve's gone completely.
Nothing for it but to take the old one out and put a new one in.
A job for a steady hand and a good adjustable wrench.
Don't you worry, Mrs. Patterson. I'll have this ballcock sorted in a jiffy.

[Verse 2]
The old nut was seized up solid. Brass on brass, a marriage of corrosion.
My knuckles scraped on the cold tank.
A little grunt. A bit of leverage. That's the trick.
There we go!
And just then, a shadow in the doorway.
A cup of tea. Steaming. You're a saint, Mrs. Patterson.
Not a word from her. Just the cup. And the watching.

[Chorus]
But it's the ballcock!
That's the culprit. The valve's gone completely.
Nothing for it but to take the old one out and put a new one in.
A job for a steady hand and a good adjustable wrench.
See? This ballcock is almost sorted.

[Bridge]
I sipped the tea. A bit weak, but warming.
It's like my coxswain days at university, you see.
Everyone has to pull their weight. Every part of the system matters.
From the oar in the water to the little valve in the toilet.
You can't have a sloppy ballcock and expect a tight ship.
It's a universal principle, really.
She just nodded. Or maybe the light flickered.

[Outro]
The new one's in. Tight as a drum.
Silence. The sound of victory.
Another job well done.
A perfectly functioning... ballcock.
Right. Who's for biscuits?