The Wooden Joke Plug (Gag)

Lyrics

[Intro]
Right then. Gather 'round the fire.
Well, what's left of it.
This reminds me of a story. A proper Yorkshire rib-tickler.
You'll like this one, Mrs. Patterson. I guarantee it.

[Verse 1]
My Uncle Jebediah, from the coast near Whitby, he whittled this for me from a bit of pine.
See that? Still smells of the forest, it does.
And the grin... painted it myself with some crushed elderberries.
It's a jape. A classic parlor amusement. A bit of sport.

[Chorus]
It's a gag! See? A proper wooden gag!
You tuck it just so, under the cushion on the good chair.
The most serious guest arrives, unsuspecting.
They sit. They feel the grin right through the horsehair!
And then… HA!
It's a gag! A guaranteed laugh, every time.

[Verse 2]
I remember the time back in 1872.
Aunt Mildred was visiting, all prim with her lace and her opinions.
Served her the Lapsang Souchong in the best china.
And I'd slipped this little fellow right under her seat.
She sat down, took a delicate sip... then let out a screech that startled the gulls off the roof.
Her tea cozy went flying. Landed right on the cat. Never seen anything so funny.

[Chorus]
It's a gag! A simple wooden gag!
You hide it where they'll never look.
The most proper person sits right down.
They jump a foot high and spill their book!
And then… HA!
It's a gag! Never, ever fails.

[Bridge]
The light from the window has gone all gray.
The oatcakes on the plate haven't moved an inch.
Mrs. Patterson… she just stares.
Not a twitch. Not the beginning of a smile.
Her hands are folded in her lap like two sleeping birds.
The only sound is my own breathing, and the damp in the walls.

[Outro]
Well.
Perhaps you had to be there.
Different sort of humor, I suppose. Back then.