The Chap Who Foolery (Plonker)

Lyrics

[Intro]
Ah, gather 'round, you lot. It's Cousin Hornswoggle here, fresh from the old smoke. Let me spin you a yarn about Peckham's finest, straight from Nelson Mandela House, that tower block on Nyrere Place, back in the eighties.

[Verse 1]
Picture it, September 15, 1981, the air thick with the smell of stale beer and shepherd's pie cooling on a Peckham windowsill. Del Boy Trotter, born February 2, 1940, struts in his cream sheepskin coat, fur collar turned up against the autumn chill at 10 degrees Celsius. He's got that Reliant Regal van parked outside, yellow as a canary, with 'Trotters Independent Trading Co. New York - Paris - Peckham' scrawled on the side. Rodney's mucked it up again, the plonker, dropping a deal like a sack of spuds.

[Chorus]
You plonker, Rodney! Del shouts it in the Nag's Head Pub, over sticky tables and the hum of Friday night at 8 PM. From John Sullivan's script, that word bounces off the walls, a fool's crown for the brother who dreams too big. Bouba, she laughs, her giggle like bubbles in cheap fizz. But Kiki, oh Kiki, you tilt your head, eyes wide—what's a plonker, cousin? It's the chap who foolery, the one who trips on his own schemes.

[Verse 2]
David Jason, the man behind Del, heard it in East End markets, back when plonk meant a heavy fall, sometime before the mid-1900s. Nicholas Lyndhurst, born April 20, 1961, takes the hit as Rodney, answering to it like his middle name. In 'Go West Young Man,' first aired that Tuesday evening, Del barks it—You've gone and done it now, ain't ya, you plonker! The laugh track rolls, families on velour sofas chuckling, tea mugs clinking on coffee tables.

[Bridge]
But dig deeper, little ones. Plonker wasn't always just a fool. Etymology lost in slang dictionaries, maybe tied to something dropped clumsily, or worse, a nod to the other meaning, the one that makes Mrs. Patterson raise an eyebrow. John Sullivan, December 23, 1946 to April 23, 2011, wove it into affection, a mock derision for brothers scheming under Peckham skies.

[Verse 3]
Remember the 1985 episode, 'To Hull and Back,' where Sullivan scripted it fourteen times in one scene? Only seven made the cut, his lost plonker record, as he called it in that 2002 documentary. Unnamed market traders whispered it first, their voices gaps in the record, shaping Del's tongue. Bouba gets it, laughs again. Kiki, you puzzle over it, innocent as the day.

[Outro]
So here's to the plonker, the fool in us all. From Peckham to our island, the word travels, light as Del's dreams. You plonker! But said with a wink.