Stanley Nickels

Lyrics

Hey, boss-man.
Got a little something for ya.
A new economy.

Dwight printed up his own money
Called it a Schrute Buck, isn't that funny?
Thought he could buy our loyalty, our time
For a couple extra minutes on a lunch break crime
He hands one over with a self-important face
Like he just saved the whole damn human race
Just a picture of himself on a piece of cheap-ass paper
The kind of genius plan you laugh about later

But Stanley's got a question, a query in the air
While he's doing his crossword, not pretending to care
He asks, "What's the ratio? What's the final cost?"
And that's the very second that your little game is lost
It's the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns, you see
That's the exchange rate for your currency
Yeah, the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns
That's all your funny money's worth from now on

April Twenty-Sixth, Two Thousand and Seven
A god was born in a fluorescent-lit heaven
Didn't need a protest, didn't need a sign
Just one perfect, devastating, deadpan line
He created something from the empty space
A brand new nickel with a permanent poker face
A currency designed for one single, perfect trick
To show your paper promise ain't worth a lick

But Stanley's got a question, a query in the air
While he's doing his crossword, not pretending to care
He asks, "What's the ratio? What's the final cost?"
And that's the very second that your little game is lost
It's the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns, you see
That's the exchange rate for your currency
Yeah, the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns
That's all your funny money's worth from now on

So when they sell you crypto, with a rocket emoji prize
Or a jpeg of a monkey with dead, corporate eyes
When they offer you points for a free little lotion
It's just another Schrute Buck, same empty motion
They build a whole new market on a myth and a dare
And all it takes to break it is a man in a chair
Who just... doesn't... care.

He asks, "What's the ratio? What's the final cost?"
And that's the very second that your little game is lost
It's the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns, you see
That's the exchange rate for your currency
Yeah, the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns
That's all your funny money's worth from now on

The ratio... is zero.
Unicorns...
...to leprechauns.