Chase Sapphire Reserve

Lyrics

OMG, is that… metal?

Thirteen grams of processed cool.
August twenty-sixteen, a brand new rule.
It arrives in a box, like a tiny black coffin.
You post the unboxing, you do it so often.
Five-fifty a year just to play in their game.
You whisper its name. Sapphire Reserve.
What a stupid, beautiful name.
You practice the thud it makes on the bar.
Proof that you are… whatever you think you are.

You're a churner, baby, a real life-hacker.
Optimizing your joy, a points-and-miles tracker.
Welcome to the complex, the industrial dream.
Worshipping the spreadsheet, living the meme.
You think you're winning, you think you're so smart.
Just another hamster running on a tear-out chart.

You live on the subreddit, you speak in the code.
Five-twenty-four, the holiest road.
Data points updated, a frantic refresh.
Is the sign-up bonus still, like, totally fresh?
Minimum spend on groceries, property tax, a new phone?
Anything to get you back on that throne.
That free priority pass to a sad little room.
With the lukewarm meatballs of consumerist doom.

You're a churner, baby, a real life-hacker.
Optimizing your joy, a points-and-miles tracker.
Welcome to the complex, the industrial dream.
Worshipping the spreadsheet, living the meme.
You think you're winning, you think you're so smart.
Just another hamster running on a tear-out chart.

So you flew business class. For free.
Tell me how many hours you paid in attention-currency.
The mental load of the downgrade path.
The anxiety of Jamie Dimon's wrath.
They didn't sell you a product, babe.
They sold you a hobby.
A full-time, unpaid job, in a gilded lobby.

Sign-up bonus!
Annual fee!
Redemption portal!
Category spend!
5/24!
It's just a piece of metal.