Officer of Nothing

Lyrics

[Intro]
(a whistle that turns into a synth sweep)
Ma'am, that badge is plastic.
I know. That's the point.

[Verse 1]
She's got a badge from a costume shop that wouldn't pass a glance,
a little hat, a shiny star, and absolutely no plans
to enforce a single ordinance or read a single right —
she's an officer the way a pumpkin is a lantern: just tonight.
Said "you have the right to remain," and then she never finished it,
'cause the right to remain WHAT is the part that she omitted.

[Chorus]
Officer of nothing! Officer of none!
No beat, no badge, no jurisdiction, and no call!
Authority of cardboard and a whistle on a string,
the shiniest little nothing that you ever saw.
Officer of nothing. Officer of none.
Tell it to the judge — there isn't one.

[Verse 2]
Now the funniest thing about a costume like a cop
is the power's the whole joke, and the joke is that it stops
the second that she's out the door and back into her life,
where nobody has to listen and nobody complies.
For one night she's the law. For one night, she decides.
Then it's Monday and the badge is in a drawer, and so's the pride.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Everybody wants the uniform. Nobody wants the shift.
Everybody wants the siren. Nobody wants the weight of it.
That's the deal with dressing up — you get the fun without the cost,
you get the whole authority and none of what it costs.
So salute her! She's in charge! She's in charge of nothing here!
And nothing's the best thing anybody's been in charge of all year!

[Chorus]

[Outro]
(a plastic whistle, unimpressive)
That whistle doesn't work.
I know.
That's the best part.