A Verbal Fig Leaf · Track 35 · middle
One-Eyed Trouser Snake
One-Eyed Trouser Snake (mid-20th c.) — Baroque construction, zero subtlety. The last elaborate one. VOLUME: IV. THE LOCKER ROOM, 1900–1999. THE DODGE THIS ERA: The dodge stops being clever. Nobody is hiding from God or the parlour now — they're avoiding MIXED COMPANY, and the wit drains out. These are funny the way a nudge is funny. That's the point: the invention is going, and this volume should feel a bit dumber than the last on purpose. Sing the AVOIDANCE, never the anatomy.
No audio yet — generation pending.
Lyrics
[Intro] [Verse 1] Fourteen pence for a pint of mild And a damp cloth hitting the laminate wood The boys are leaning, pretending they're wild But standing exactly where their fathers stood Shirley is clearing the ashtrays away He lowers his voice to a gravelly hum The jawline catches the danger of play He waits half a second, and here it comes [Chorus] Have you heard the tale of the fearsome thing The terrible king of the corduroy? It isn’t a knight with a shining ring Just a lumbering, heavy-set, joke of a boy He builds it up like a grand mistake The legend of the one-eyed trouser snake He waits for the laugh. It takes a while. A clumsy monster on a patch of tile. [Verse 2] It isn't a puzzle to turn in your mind There’s no velvet curtain to delicately draw Just a heavy-set elbow, dragging behind A punchline the whole pub already saw Because ladies are present, you put on a mask But the mask is just rubber, and smelling of sweat You can't say it plain, so you manage the task With the least graceful cover that we've managed yet [Chorus] Have you heard the tale of the fearsome thing The terrible king of the corduroy? It isn’t a knight with a shining ring Just a lumbering, heavy-set, joke of a boy He builds it up like a grand mistake The legend of the one-eyed trouser snake He waits for the laugh. It takes a while. A clumsy monster on a patch of tile. [Bridge] Three hundred years ago, they gave it a crown They called it a ruby, a pillar, a lance Now we just drag the whole menagerie down And shuffle our boots in a desperate dance It’s the last big invention before we go blunt A reptile kept in the dark of a seam He swallows the silence, facing the front [Outro] Just a joke for the boys. Just a noise in the room. Shirley takes the glasses back. The monster goes to sleep in the gloom. Fourteen pence. He finishes his drink, and looks at the floor.