The Dirtiest Album Ever Recorded* — Vol 3 (Finale) · Track 12 · middle
Screw the Pain Away
PARODY, laundered-double-entendre album (Vol 3, finale). Write ORIGINAL wholesome lyrics that SOUND suggestive but are LITERALLY about tightening the loose screws on a wobbly old kitchen chair with a screwdriver — the wobble was hurting your back, and once you screw it snug the pain goes away. Handyman/fix-it register, satisfying and cozy. Clean, DistroKid/YouTube-safe. ⛔ COPYRIGHT: never reproduce the source hook or any distinctive line — title idea ONLY. Source parodied (idea only, never its words): Fuck the Pain Away (2000).
Lyrics
Been putting this off for weeks. That little shift in the small of my back. Every time I sit down for coffee. Just a little give, a little groan. But it adds up. Tonight, I fix it. This old kitchen chair, it's seen a lot. Came with the house. Rush seat worn smooth. But the joints are getting tired. There's a wobble in the left back leg. Throws everything off kilter. My spine complains with a dull little fire. It's just a tiny thing, but it's always there. A little looseness, a little fear it might just give. Gonna flip it over, find what's wrong. Get my favorite Phillips-head, the one with the good grip. Gonna find that empty space, that subtle play. And slowly, turn by turn, I'm gonna screw the pain away. Yeah, nice and steady, make it right. Gonna screw the pain away tonight. There you are. Hiding under a layer of dust. One loose screw, shining a little. You've been working your way out for a long time. This tool in my hand, it's a perfect fit. A design from 1936, they say. Made to set things right. I place the tip, feel it catch in the cross. A little pressure, a little purpose. Gonna flip it over, find what's wrong. Get my favorite Phillips-head, the one with the good grip. Gonna find that empty space, that subtle play. And slowly, turn by turn, I'm gonna screw the pain away. Yeah, nice and steady, make it right. Gonna screw the pain away tonight. The first turn is easy. Just taking up the slack. Then the wood remembers. It bites. My wrist feels the tension. One last quarter-turn. Snug. Solid. The silence where the creak used to live. I turn the chair back over. Set it on the floor. Solid. Not a sound. I sit down. Nothing moves but me. The pressure in my back is already easing. Gone. Yeah. Just screw the pain away.