The Dirtiest Album Ever Recorded* · Track 3 · middle
Big Ten-Inch
PARODY, laundered-double-entendre album. Write ORIGINAL wholesome lyrics that SOUND suggestive from the title but are LITERALLY and innocently about a collector's prized ten-inch 78rpm shellac record. The joke is that the dirty mind is the listener's — the song itself is clean, catalog-safe (DistroKid/YouTube-safe), G-to-PG. Vintage register to match the era. NEVER reproduce or paraphrase the source song's actual lyrics — only borrow the TITLE energy. Source being parodied: Big Ten-Inch Record (1952).
Lyrics
[Intro] Some folks like the modern kind, flexible and new. But I prefer a classic… let me show my best to you. [Verse 1] Found it in a dusty crate, back in '52. A forgotten treasure, black as midnight, shiny and true. Made of shellac and carbon, heavy in my hand. It's a fragile little number, you have to understand. You can't just toss it anywhere, or leave it in the sun. This kind of satisfaction has to be carefully won. [Chorus] Oh, I love my big ten-inch, it really is the most. When I lay it on the platter, it's better than a toast. I drop the needle in the groove, give it a gentle spin. For three perfect minutes, that's where the joy begins. My lovely big ten-inch… it always does me right. [Verse 2] I take it from its paper sleeve, inside its special book. I wipe it with a velvet brush, just a single look. I change the steel needle out, so everything is clean. The finest piece of music that you have ever seen. I set the speed to 78, and give the crank a turn. A lesson in the old ways that everyone should learn. [Chorus] Oh, I love my big ten-inch, it really is the most. When I lay it on the platter, it's better than a toast. I drop the needle in the groove, give it a gentle spin. For three perfect minutes, that's where the joy begins. My lovely big ten-inch… it always does me right. [Bridge] Sure, the long-play kind are nice, they go on and on all day. But there's something in the waiting, in the special way… You have to flip it over, for the B-side of the song. It never, ever lasts too long. [Chorus] Oh, I love my big ten-inch, it really is the most! When I lay it on the platter, it's better than a toast! I drop the needle in the groove, give it a gentle spin! For three perfect minutes, that's where the joy begins! My lovely big ten-inch… it always does me right! [Outro] Yeah, it always does me right. Perfect.