The Dirtiest Album Ever Recorded* · Track 6 · middle
Warm My Wiener
PARODY, laundered-double-entendre album. Write ORIGINAL wholesome lyrics that SOUND suggestive from the title but are LITERALLY and innocently about last call at the ballpark hot-dog grill. The joke is that the dirty mind is the listener's — the song itself is clean, catalog-safe (DistroKid/YouTube-safe), G-to-PG. Vintage register to match the era. NEVER reproduce or paraphrase the source song's actual lyrics — only borrow the TITLE energy. Source being parodied: Please Warm My Weiner (1930). DUET: VANTA leads, Billie Kitt trades verses — put the second jazz-torch counter-voice in the style, do not stack the persona field.
Lyrics
Bottom of the ninth, the air is gettin' tight. One more out and they'll be turning out the light. The boys are packing up their bats, the vendors disappear. A chill is in the evening air, wish I had a souvenir. But my tummy's rumbling, a low and lonely sound. Just one last fella with his cart is still around. He's wiping down the griddle, putting the lid on the mustard jar. I see him, honey, over by the exit gate. He's counting up his nickels, please don't hesitate. His fire's dying down, the steam is getting thin. If you want one, you better ask him, let the man right in. Last call for Red Hots, I heard him cry. Oh, mister, hey mister, before you have to go. There's just one little thing I need to know. Your grill is getting cold, but could you do it for a winner? Please, mister, please, would you warm my wiener? Just one left, sitting there all by itself. Looking kind of lonely on that metal shelf. Don't wrap it up in wax paper, don't put it in the bun. Not until its time upon the heat is truly done. I like it sizzling, you understand. That's right, give it a turn, make sure it's hot all through. A line of yellow mustard is the only thing to do. No relish, no onions, just keep it plain and neat. Something simple, something savory, a real ballpark treat. He's smiling, honey, I think he heard your plea! Oh, mister, hey mister, before you have to go! There's just one little thing we need to know! Your grill is getting cold, but could you do it for a sinner? Please, mister, please, would you warm my wiener? He picks it up with the tongs... He lays it on the heat... A little puff of steam... Oh, that can't be beat. He warmed it! He warmed it! And now it's all mine! Mmm. Perfectly warm.