The Dirtiest Album Ever Recorded* · Track 10 · middle

I Touch Myself

PARODY, laundered-double-entendre album. Write ORIGINAL wholesome lyrics that SOUND suggestive from the title but are LITERALLY and innocently about a public-service reminder to apply your own sunscreen. The joke is that the dirty mind is the listener's — the song itself is clean, catalog-safe (DistroKid/YouTube-safe), G-to-PG. Vintage register to match the era. NEVER reproduce or paraphrase the source song's actual lyrics — only borrow the TITLE energy. Source being parodied: I Touch Myself (1990).

Lyrics

[Intro]
The sun is climbing high today
The sky is bright and new
Before you run outside to play
There's one smart thing to do

[Verse 1]
The experts on the radio
They tell you to prepare
Protect the skin you love so much
With just a moment's care
From the tip of my ears to the back of my neck
My shoulders and my knees
Gotta make sure that I've covered all the ground
Before I feel the breeze

[Chorus]
Oh, I don't want anybody else
When I'm thinking 'bout you, I touch myself
(Ooooh)
I make sure every spot is safe, a creamy little shelf
When I'm thinking 'bout you, I touch myself

[Verse 2]
A little dab of zinc paste
Right there upon my nose
Beneath my wide-brimmed straw hat
That's how the story goes
You can't rely on someone else
To know just where you need
A careful, gentle application
A very worthy deed

[Chorus]
Oh, I don't want anybody else
When I'm thinking 'bout you, I touch myself
(Ooooh)
I make sure every spot is safe, a creamy little shelf
When I'm thinking 'bout you, I touch myself

[Bridge]
It's not about being lonely
It's all about being well
It's a story that your future self
Will be so glad to tell
Don't you wait for someone else to guess
Just do it on your own
It's the wisest little habit
That you have ever known

[Chorus]
Oh, I don't want anybody else
When I'm thinking 'bout you, I touch myself
(Ooooh)
I make sure every spot is safe, a creamy little shelf
When I'm thinking 'bout you, I touch myself

[Outro]
All over now... every single part.
Ready for a healthy start.