The Dirtiest Album Ever Recorded* · Track 12 · middle

How Many Licks?

PARODY, laundered-double-entendre album. Write ORIGINAL wholesome lyrics that SOUND suggestive from the title but are LITERALLY and innocently about the wise old owl counting licks to the center of a Tootsie-Pop. The joke is that the dirty mind is the listener's — the song itself is clean, catalog-safe (DistroKid/YouTube-safe), G-to-PG. Vintage register to match the era. NEVER reproduce or paraphrase the source song's actual lyrics — only borrow the TITLE energy. Source being parodied: How Many Licks? (2000). DUET: VANTA + Murphy Colette trade the counting — second voice in the style, not the persona field.

Lyrics

It was a question for the ages.
Born around 1970.
A cherry-red sphere on a paper stick.
A simple challenge. A sacred trust.

The boy asked everyone he knew.
Started with Mr. Turtle, slow and low.
He just blinked his ancient eyes.
Said he didn't have the time.
Mr. Snail was just as bad.
Left a trail and said, "My lad, some things are not for us to know."

How many licks does it take?
Just how many licks 'til you get that break?
To the chewy, chocolatey, sweet reward.
Oh, how many licks?
The world wants a report.

So he looked up high, in an old oak tree.
Saw a pair of spectacles looking back at he.
The wisest creature in the wood.
Mr. Owl, he understood.
He took the pop with a serious claw.
Said, "Son, I'll lay down the law. We'll solve this scientific test."

He held it steady, cleared his throat.
A-one...
The boy watched, taking notes.
A-two...
The tension built, a heavy thing.
A-three...
Three.

How many licks does it take?
Just how many licks 'til you get that break?
To the chewy, chocolatey, sweet reward.
Oh, how many licks?
The owl fell on his sword.

The world may never really know.
Some engineers at Purdue gave it a go.
Said two hundred fifty-two, maybe more.
But it's not the same as it was before.
The mystery... it just endures.
A-one... a-two...