Apology

Lyrics

[Intro]
(a doorbell — one press, then waiting, then the weight of the waiting)
(piano — a single note, then another, spaced like footsteps approaching something they broke)
(the space between the notes is the apology before the apology)
[Verse 1]
(Sisukiro — raw, no performance, the voice cracked open like a door she's standing in)
I practiced this in the mirror
And the mirror was patient
And the mirror forgave me immediately
Which is why mirrors
Are not useful preparation
For the actual face
That is not a mirror
That is a person
That I hurt
With a thing I said
That I cannot unsay
The way you cannot
Unpour a glass of wine
From a white tablecloth
You can only point at the stain
And say
I did that
That was mine
[Pre-Chorus]
(muted trumpet — one phrase, arriving the way apologies should — late enough to mean it)
And the I did that
Without a but
Without a because
Without the clause
That the lawyers in my head
Keep trying to attach
Like a trailer
To a sentence
That needs to travel light
I did that
Period
The heaviest punctuation
I have ever placed
[Chorus]
(piano and trumpet — nothing more, the space around them enormous)
L'amour de l'excuse, l'amour de l'excuse
The love that kneels without knowing if the floor will hold
L'amour de l'excuse, l'amour de l'excuse
I am not here to explain
I am here to be seen
Holding the thing I broke
Not hiding it behind my back
Not wrapping it in reasons
Just holding it
In the light
Where you can see
That my hands are the ones
That did this
And my hands are the ones
That are here
[Verse 2]
(just voice — no instrument, the most naked moment)
The hardest word in any language
Is not I love you
I love you has momentum
It carries itself down hills
The hardest word
Is I was wrong
Which has no momentum
Which sits in the mouth
Like a stone
That you must carry
Up every step
Of the staircase
To the apartment
Where the person
You were wrong to
Lives
And the staircase
Has never been longer
Than tonight
I rang the bell
And you answered
Which was not guaranteed
The answering
Was your gift
Not mine
My gift
Is the stone in my mouth
And the walk up the stairs
And the standing here
With nothing prepared
Except the truth
Which is not a gift exactly
But it's all I brought
And I carried it
The whole way up
[Chorus]
(piano and trumpet and now accordion — one chord, sustained, the warmth of a room that might let you in)
L'amour de l'excuse, l'amour de l'excuse
The love that kneels without knowing if the floor will hold
L'amour de l'excuse, l'amour de l'excuse
I am not here to be forgiven
Forgiveness is your song
Not mine
I am here to say
The stain is mine
The stairs are mine
The stone is mine
And I climbed
And I rang
And I'm standing here
Which is the only verb
An apology
Has the right to conjugate
[Bridge]
(piano alone — three chords, simple, the speech she threw away replaced by something smaller and truer)
I don't know if this changes anything
I don't know if the tablecloth
Is the kind that recovers
Or the kind that remembers
But I know that the walking here
In the rain
At this hour
With this stone
Is the only thing
My hands can do tonight
That is honest
And if you close the door
I will have still climbed the stairs
And the climbing
Was the apology
The words are just
The translator
And the translator
Is always late
And always imperfect
And always
Better than silence
[Outro]
(piano — the two notes from the intro, but closer together now, the footsteps having arrived)
(trumpet — one last phrase, not resolving, not asking to resolve, just present)
(Sisukiro, the quietest she's ever been:)
L'amour de l'excuse
I did that
I'm here
(a door — not closing, not opening, just the sound of two people standing on either side of a threshold)
(the piano holds one note)
(the note doesn't ask for anything)
(it waits)