Three Sheets to Kishkiyya · Track 50 · middle
Shake Hands with the Vicar
VOLUME II — the sudden, urgent pilgrimage to the BATHROOM. The idiom and the song's title hook: "Shake Hands with the Vicar". Its true history: UK, 20th c. — irreverently 'shaking hands' with the vicar; the disapproving reverend gamely sings his own idiom. Render this beat of the night as the band's affectionate, funny, celebratory tribute — the idiom itself is the chorus hook.
Lyrics
[Intro] Dearly beloved, the hour grows late. The vessel is full, and the parish must wait. [Verse 1] There is a stirring in the lower nave, A sudden pressure that the evening gave. After five dark pints of the local bitter, The congregation feels a subtle shiver. I must excuse myself from the crowded table, With as much solemnity as I am able. [Chorus] For I must go shake hands with the vicar, A sacred rite brought on by the liquor. Down the dark corridor, past the saloon, Under the glow of a 1950s moon. It’s a hasty retreat, a delicate matter, To ease the strain of an Anglican bladder. Yes, I go to shake hands with the vicar tonight. [Verse 2] It began in the soot of the British town, When a fellow needed to lay his burdens down. A mid-century pub with a polite little fiction, To cover the plumbing's harsh benediction. I approach the porcelain basin, chipped and pale, A sudden escape from the lukewarm ale. I stand at the font, I bow my head, And regret the terrible sermons I've read. [Chorus] For I must go shake hands with the vicar, A sacred rite brought on by the liquor. Down the dark corridor, past the saloon, Under the glow of a 1950s moon. It’s a hasty retreat, a delicate matter, To ease the strain of an Anglican bladder. Yes, I go to shake hands with the vicar tonight. [Bridge] The tiles are freezing, the water hums. A glorious grace when the blessing comes. And I wash my hands in the echoing gloom. Lord, grant me strength in the men's restroom. [Outro] So I button the vestments and tighten the tie, Return to the bar with a clear, bright eye. The duty is done, the patron is blessed, A gentleman’s secret, politely confessed. Just shaking hands... With the vicar... Though the water pressure in here is truly subpar.