Three Sheets to Kishkiyya · Track 58 · middle

Ralph on the Big White Telephone

VOLUME III — being SICK, the small-hours reckoning at the porcelain. The idiom and the song's title hook: "Ralph on the Big White Telephone". Its true history: US, late 20th c. — 'Ralph' echoes the retching sound; the toilet is the big white telephone; a vaudeville bit. Render this beat of the night as the band's affectionate, funny, celebratory tribute — the idiom itself is the chorus hook.

Lyrics

[Intro]
Step right up, the room is taking a spin!
Somebody's got an urgent dial to make!

[Verse 1]
The brass section blew a little too bright
And the gin started tapping its shoes in the line
Now there’s a rumble in the tumbling routine
A quick departure from the party stream
Down the hall to the echoing tile
Where a shiny receiver's been waiting a while
It's an all-American late-night gag
When the belly decides it’s an empty sack

[Chorus]
Ring ring, operator, I’m slipping the zone
I’m calling Ralph on the big white telephone!
It’s a long-distance dial from the back of my throat
To the echoing depths of the porcelain bowl
Yeah, the knees hit the mat and the dignity flies
But it’s a beautiful noise when the stomach replies
Drop a coin in the slot, hear the dial tone groan
I’m getting Ralph on the big white telephone!

[Verse 2]
The name is a bark right out of the chest
An onomatopoeia put to the test
Since 1978, the comedy's sweet
For the wobbly walk and the stumbling knees
Grab the cold rim like holding a mic
And sing out the vowels your diaphragm likes
It's a private booth with a curious smell
But the acoustics in here are phenomenally swell

[Bridge]
Oh, the cheek on the seat is a comforting chill
When the music hall spins and you've had your fill
We bow to the bowl in a reverent swoop
The oldest slapstick in the vaudeville troupe

[Outro]
The line’s going dead but the message is clear
Wash up your face, we are out of here
No more calls tonight, operator...
I think Ralph finally left the booth.